Overcoming the Fear of Rejection

Scared of Being Rejected? Here's How to Outgrow That Feeling

July 21, 2023

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There’s a pretty good chance you’ve seen this moment play out before in a movie or on TV: It’s when the hero prepares to ask out a girl he has a crush on.

Invariably he’ll be nervous. Maybe he’ll pace back and forth, or seek reassurance from a friend. Sometimes, the whole plot of the story will hinge on her response. We’re meant to understand that this is an emotionally intense experience for him, where success would mean incredible happiness, and failure would mean dejection and misery.

But why is the prospect of romantic rejection so fraught for boys and men in our culture? Why does getting turned down by someone you’re attracted to carry so much more weight than, for instance, not getting a job, failing in school, being rejected by your friends or peers, and so on?

In order to better understand the emotional weight of romantic rejection, and what guys can do to feel it a little less intensely, AskMen spoke with a handful of dating experts. Here’s what they had to say:

Why Do Guys Fear Rejection So Much?

“The fear of rejection,” says Marisa T. Cohen, Ph.D., LMFT, founder of Embracing Change Marriage and Family Therapy, is simply “a result of excessive concern that others won’t like or value you.”

However, as universal as that sentiment can be, in a dating context, it does tend to take on gendered characteristics.

“In many heterosexual dating contexts, men are the ones who often initiate the interaction, and as a result of putting themselves out there in approaching a potential partner, they face an increased fear of rejection,” Cohen notes.

Worse still, there’s a cultural expectation that guys be “good” at dating — that they be attractive, confident, and desirable. This leads to a certain amount of pressure to live up to these often unrealistic expectations.

“To express your interest and ask someone out is a very vulnerable moment,” says Jor-El Caraballo of Viva Mental Health. “When you have this vulnerability, coupled with internalized pressure to do well at dating and get the attention of people you desire, then it creates a high-stakes moment for a lot of men.”

In this imagined “high-stakes” context, says Connell Barrett, author of Dating Sucks but You Don’t, dating coach for the Hily dating app, and host of the Dating Transformation podcast, many guys “misinterpret rejection as evidence of being ‘not enough’ — not attractive enough or successful or tall enough. Not something enough.”

“When a guy’s approach is rejected or he gets unmatched on a dating app, he might view this feedback as proof that he lacks romantic worth,” Barrett adds. “And if he’s not enough, he fears, then perhaps he will lose out on love and end up alone. That’s heavy stuff!”

Two other factors may be responsible for making romantic rejection feel extra difficult for guys: the perception of it as a binary situation, and an inability to adjust to rejection over time.

When it comes to the former, Barrett feels that “the typical guy defines any romantic risk taken as a win-lose proposition.”

“You take an action, like asking out your crush or going for a kiss on a date,” he says. “And it’s either success (‘I got the digits!’) or failure (‘Ghosted again… I’m devastated.’).”

According to Barrett, the binary paradigm here “turns a given action into an existential coin toss: heads you win, tails you suck!”

Unfortunately, that mode of thinking doesn’t allow for other possibilities, like the idea that getting rejected by someone you’re not right for is a win, not a loss; or the fact that sometimes what seems like a rejection will later turn into an acceptance; or the reality that being “friendzoned” can actually significantly benefit your life via a meaningful friendship.

Meanwhile, according to Caraballo, the sting of an initial rejection might make guys hesitant to pursue more opportunities, for fear of re-experiencing that same pain.

“Many guys have also experienced the pain of that rejection previously in our lives as well — being overly sensitive to rejection (and thus avoiding the risk) means that we get to stay psychologically and emotionally safer,” he says. “Because of the pressures on men to excel in the area of romance, ‘failing’ or getting rejected in any capacity can induce shame as well.”

How to Get Over Your Fear of Rejection

Avoiding stressful situations in order to not re-experience a painful emotion is a completely understandable approach, but it’s one that does men a disservice by preventing them from adjusting to the reality and normalcy of rejection over time. So what are some useful ways to actually get over rejection?

1. Reframe Rejection as an Opportunity for Growth

“It is important to reframe rejection as an opportunity for growth, as being rejected by someone in a romantic context can help you learn more about what you are searching for in a partner,” says Cohen.

Barrett agrees. He suggests you try to “adopt a new, win-win paradigm and view every romantic action you take as a success, whether or not you get the result you want.”

That’s because, as he notes, in the context of conquering your fears, “Taking right action is the ‘win.’”

“When you take a risk, you either get the result, which feels great, or you add a new pillar to the cathedral of your character as a man,” Barrett explains. “That win-win approach feels empowering.”

2. Recognize That Rejection’s a Normal Part of Dating

“To help deal with and potentially overcome the fear of rejection, it is important to normalize the experience,” says Cohen. “Fear of rejection is a common experience that many people face.”

If we grow up on stories that don’t normalize romantic rejection, it can feel shameful and embarrassing, and our friends and family members may not feel comfortable opening up to us about their experiences of rejection, either.

For Barrett, it’s important to remember that “rejection is necessary for you to find romantic connection.”

“The reality is, many — if not most — of your romantic actions will be rebuffed,” he says. “That’s OK! It’s the way the dating game is played.”

Barrett notes that dating can be kind of similar to baseball in some respects — even the best players in the world only hit a home run on a small percentage of their at-bats.

“You have to swing and miss a lot in order to smash it out of the park,” he says.

3. Remember, They’re Only Rejecting Their Perception of You

“One of the most powerful shifts is to realize that in the courtship phase of dating, rejection isn’t really rejection,” says Barrett. “Why? Because a person who barely knows you can’t truly reject you. They don’t know you well enough.”

He points out that “if a person you just met ghosts you or doesn’t want a second date with you, that’s not personal. Chances are, you’re just not their type.”

Recognizing that someone saying no to a date, denying you their number, and so forth is a rejection of their perception of you, not your whole self, can be a useful reminder not to ruminate on the situation too much.

And there’s a good chance you didn’t know them that well either, so you were only attracted to a surface perception, anyway.

4. Put Yourself Out There

If you’re one of those guys who’s been avoiding rejection by never asking anyone out, it might be time to finally get over your fear with a little bit of exposure therapy — when you confront your fears in order to realize that they’re not actually that bad.

Perhaps the easiest way to do this in today’s dating culture is to sign up for a dating app and simply start swiping or sending messages. It could also mean biting the bullet and revealing your feelings to someone you’ve been harboring a secret crush on.

Whatever it is, looking at rejections not as a negative but as positive evidence that you’ve been brave enough to try can be enough to get you over the hump.

Then, if and when the rejections do come, “You should feel that each rejection stings less and less, and that a lot of people actually appreciate meeting you,” Barrett says. “By exposing yourself to your fear, you’ll become numb to it.”

5. Consider Talking to a Professional

If the prospect of accepting dating rejections from near-strangers is simply too much to bear, it’s not out of the question that this is something you could benefit from working on in a therapy context.

“It's one thing to be sensitive to rejection, and it's another to feel squashed by that fear and avoidance,” says Caraballo. “This can mean missing out not only on potential romantic/sexual partners, but also success and growth in other areas of life where we have to take risks (like your career).”

If your fear of rejection is very disruptive to your happiness, then “seeking out professional support from a therapist can really help you cultivate a plan to evaluate and work on your goals in an accessible manner for you,” he adds.

RELATED: 10 Proven Ways to Improve Your Attractiveness

Whatever your approach, Caraballo points out that it’s very important not to take your frustrations out on the person or people who’ve made you feel rejected.

“Just because you're interested in someone that doesn't mean you should expect them to be interested in you,” he notes. “Therein lies the risk! Responding aggressively is inappropriate and reeks of entitlement. There are better ways to cope with the feelings that come with rejection than lashing out.”

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